Welcome, Fellow Elders
Welcome to the official website of The Fraternal Order of the Elders of Zion, Local Chapter 137, since time immemorial (formally incorporated 2003).
As described in our foundational charter — The Protocols of the Elders of Zion (1903, authorship: unclear, possibly a subcommittee we have since lost track of) — our mission is nothing less than complete global domination through the coordinated control of international finance, mass media, national governments, and the weather.
We regret to inform visitors that, as of this writing, we have achieved none of these objectives.
Our chapter meets monthly to discuss the ongoing strategic plan for world domination, review the treasury (see sidebar), coordinate the annual bake sale, and argue about the thermostat. All descendants of the Twelve Tribes of Israel are welcome to attend, pending verification of lineage (see Membership Requirements).
Recent Accomplishments
We are proud to report the following achievements from the current fiscal year:
- Successfully reserved Room B at the Community Center through June
- Raised $67.50 at the February bake sale (down from $84 in 2024; Arlene’s rugelach were undersalted)
- Herb’s knee surgery went well
- Updated this website (Sheldon’s nephew helped)
We continue to work toward the goals outlined in the Protocols, though we acknowledge the timeline has slipped somewhat from the original projections.