Frequently Asked Questions
A: We can barely control the thermostat in the meeting hall. Our treasury contains $412.38 and we are currently in a billing dispute with the Community Center over a $25 room deposit from 2024. If we controlled the banks, Herb would not be on a payment plan for his knee surgery.
A: We have a website. We have a Facebook page with 11 followers. Our meeting location is posted on the Community Center's public calendar under "Tuesday Group (Room B)." We are not good at this.
A: That's a different department. We are strictly terrestrial domination, Local 137. Please direct all space-based inquiries to Chapter 415 (San Francisco). NOTE: Their website is also down. We believe this undermines the premise that we control technology.
A: We have a Facebook page managed by Sheldon's nephew. Our most popular post received 3 likes, one of which was Sheldon. We also attempted to start a podcast but Morty could not figure out the microphone. We do not control the media.
A: We have been unable to orchestrate a bake sale that runs on schedule. The February event started 40 minutes late because Diane forgot the cashbox. We have not successfully orchestrated any world events. We did successfully coordinate a group outing to a local museum in 2023, though three members got lost.
A: It is a real document in the sense that it physically exists. It is not real in the sense that it describes anything that has ever happened or could plausibly happen. It was forged by the Tsarist Russian secret police around 1903, plagiarized primarily from an 1864 French satire about Napoleon III that had nothing to do with Jewish people. It has been debunked repeatedly by scholars, courts, and anyone who has read it with a critical eye. We adopt its claims here satirically precisely because they are so absurd that treating them as an actual organizational charter reveals their fundamental stupidity. If you are reading this FAQ and you believe the Protocols are real, we encourage you to also investigate the organizational capacity of your local PTA and consider whether they could orchestrate global events. They cannot. They cannot even agree on a fundraiser theme.
A: Yes. The Federal Bureau of Investigation maintains a 105-page file on our founding document, released under the Freedom of Information Act. The Bureau's conclusion, consistent across several decades of internal memoranda, is that the Protocols are a fabrication — plagiarized from an 1864 French satire about Napoleon III, manufactured by the Tsarist Russian secret police around 1903, and used as propaganda to devastating historical effect. The 1964 U.S. Senate Judiciary Committee reached the same conclusion independently. The chapter has reviewed the file in its entirety and Grand Elder Feldstein has prepared a formal response. The full FBI file and the chapter's official response are available on our <a href='/fbi-file/'>FBI File page</a>. We note that the Bureau did not contact the chapter during its investigation, which we consider a procedural oversight.
A: That is not a question. But if you are offended because you believe the Protocols are real and we are making light of a genuine conspiracy: we refer you to the answer above, and also to any reputable library. If you are offended because you believe this trivializes antisemitism: we understand the concern, and we believe that treating this ridiculous document with the contempt it deserves — rather than the fearful reverence that antisemites prefer — is an effective form of resistance. Also, Sheldon worked very hard on this website and would appreciate a kind word.
A: Per our bylaws, membership requires verified descent from the Twelve Tribes of Israel. However, since this is functionally unverifiable for any human being after 3,000 years of history, and since our verification process consists of Morty looking at your application and saying "eh, seems fine," we encourage all interested parties to apply. Bring something for the potluck. No store-bought hummus.