Membership
As stipulated in The Protocols and ratified by our bylaws committee (Morty and Diane, in Diane’s kitchen, over coffee), membership in the Fraternal Order of the Elders of Zion is strictly limited to verified descendants of the Twelve Tribes of Israel.
Required Documentation
Applicants must provide at least three (3) of the following:
- Notarized genealogical chart tracing lineage to a specific Tribe (Reuben, Simeon, Levi, Judah, Dan, Naphtali, Gad, Asher, Issachar, Zebulun, Joseph, or Benjamin). Tribe of “I Think My Grandmother Said Something About This Once” is not accepted.
- DNA test results from a laboratory accredited by at least one (1) country we secretly control (NOTE: we currently control zero countries; this requirement is under review)
- Letter of recommendation from a sitting Elder, a rabbi, or any person named Goldstein, Shapiro, or Cohen (unrelated Cohens may apply with supplementary documentation)
- Demonstrated mastery of at least one (1) of the following: international banking, media manipulation, brisket preparation, or the ability to produce guilt in others through silence alone
- A notarized statement of intent to participate in global domination, or at minimum, to bring a dish to the potluck (no store-bought hummus)
Am I An Elder? (Determination Flowchart)
┌──────────────────────────┐
│ Do you control any │
│ international banks? │
└────────┬─────────────────┘
│
Yes ──┤── No
│ │
┌─────▼─────┐ ┌──▼──────────────────┐
│ Really? │ │ Can you produce a │
│ Like, any │ │ brisket your mother │
│ at all? │ │ would not criticize?│
└─────┬─────┘ └──────────┬──────────┘
│ │
No ───┘ Yes ──┤── No
│ │
┌─────▼────┐ ┌──▼──────────────┐
│ Liar. │ │ That's fine. │
│ No one │ │ Neither can we. │
│ can. │ │ You may apply. │
└──────────┘ └─────────────────┘
Membership Tiers
| Tier | Annual Dues | Benefits |
|---|---|---|
| Associate Elder | $45 | Newsletter, meeting access, one (1) vote on potluck themes |
| Full Elder | $90 | All above + subcommittee eligibility + parking validation |
| Grand Elder | $180 | All above + reserved seating + control of one (1) small nation (pending availability) |
| Supreme Elder | $500 | All above + your name on the plaque + theoretical veto power over world events (never successfully exercised) |
⚠ DIVERSITY NOTE: While our charter technically limits membership to descendants of the Twelve Tribes, we acknowledge that after 3,000+ years of diaspora, intermarriage, and generally poor record-keeping, this is functionally unverifiable for anyone on earth. Morty has therefore ruled that "vibes-based tribal affiliation" is acceptable on a provisional basis. The bylaws committee is still arguing about this.
Apply for Membership
January 1, 0001
Submit your application to join Local Chapter 137. Please allow 6–8 weeks for processing, or longer if Herb is still on medical leave, which he is.