Our Founding Document
Every great organization has its founding charter. The United States has the Constitution. The Masons have their various manuals and handbooks. The Rotary Club has The Object of Rotary, a laminated card that Herb keeps in his wallet next to his Costco card.
We have The Protocols of the Elders of Zion.
The Protocols, first circulated in Russia in 1903, is a 24-chapter document outlining a comprehensive plan for global domination by a shadowy cabal of Jewish elders operating in coordinated secrecy across all nations and institutions. It is, we must acknowledge, an extremely ambitious document.
We have not gotten around to most of it.
At the last membership meeting (attended by Morty, Diane, Sheldon, and Arlene — Herb is still on medical leave), the agenda included a review of our progress against the Protocols. What follows is the official protocol-by-protocol status report, as recorded by Sheldon Markowitz, Secretary. Morty has requested the record reflect that “progress is being made.” Sheldon has requested the record reflect that this is not accurate.
Protocol-by-Protocol Status Report
Protocol 1: Basic Doctrine — The Right of the Strong
What It Says: That might makes right. That the masses cannot govern themselves. That “liberty, equality, fraternity” are merely words we deployed to undermine civilization. That we rule through force, cunning, and the inherent weakness of democratic governance.
Chapter 137 Status: We put this to a vote. The vote took forty-five minutes because Marv kept raising points of order. We could not agree on a definition of “might.” Morty suggested that “the ability to reserve Room B consistently” qualifies. Diane said that’s not might, that’s a booking calendar. Motion to declare ourselves the strong: tabled.
⛔ PROGRESS: 0%
Protocol 2: Economic Wars
What It Says: That wars should be fought economically rather than militarily. That we should control international trade and finance to bend nations to our will.
Chapter 137 Status: Our economic warfare capabilities consist of a Chase checking account with a $412.38 balance. Herb is the only one with the password and he is on medical leave. We attempted to open a second account at TD Bank but Morty forgot to bring two forms of ID. International trade remains uncontrolled.
⛔ PROGRESS: 0%
Protocol 3: Methods of Conquest — Economic Crises
What It Says: That we should create economic crises, unemployment, and poverty to incite unrest and make the masses dependent upon us.
Chapter 137 Status: We have created one (1) economic crisis: the February bake sale was $16.50 short of projections. Arlene attributes this to undersalted rugelach (disputed). Marv attributes this to “a fundamental failure of organizational leadership.” The masses remain un-incited. No one is dependent on us for anything except Arlene’s kugel recipe, which she will not share.
⛔ PROGRESS: 0%
Protocol 4: Materialism Replaces Religion
What It Says: That we should undermine religious faith and replace it with materialism, consumerism, and secular distraction.
Chapter 137 Status: Our members attend synagogue regularly. Morty has never missed a High Holiday service. Diane volunteers at the temple gift shop. Herb’s absence from meetings is due to knee surgery, not ideological commitment to materialism. The only materialist in the chapter is Marv, who once spent forty minutes of meeting time comparing prices on portable heaters. This was not a coordinated attack on faith.
⛔ PROGRESS: 0%
Protocol 5: Despotism and Modern Progress
What It Says: That centralized authoritarian government is the only effective system. That democracy is a tool we use to weaken nations before imposing autocratic control.
Chapter 137 Status: We operate by Robert’s Rules of Order. Morty has been reminded of this repeatedly. We hold votes on everything, including the thermostat setting (72°F, passed 4–1, Marv opposed). The only despot in our organization is Arlene, who unilaterally controls bake sale menu selections and has never once submitted them for a vote.
⛔ PROGRESS: 0%
Protocol 6: Take-Over Technique — Monopolies
What It Says: That we should create economic monopolies to make populations dependent. That we should dispossess landowners through debt and control all industry.
Chapter 137 Status: We do not own any monopolies. We do not own any businesses. Herb owns a 40% stake in a dry cleaning establishment in which he is a silent partner. This has not yet translated into population dependence. The only thing we have monopolized is Room B on Tuesday evenings, and the Elks Lodge is contesting even that.
⛔ PROGRESS: 0%
Protocol 7: World-Wide Wars
What It Says: That we should foment international wars to exhaust nations and consolidate control through the chaos.
Chapter 137 Status: We cannot foment a quorum. Our most significant inter-organizational conflict is the parking dispute with the Elks Lodge, which has been ongoing since 2017 and has produced no territorial gains. Morty wrote a letter. They did not respond. We have declared this a “strategic stalemate.”
⛔ PROGRESS: 0%
Protocol 8: Provisional Government
What It Says: That we should install transitional governments as stepping stones to permanent control. That our agents should infiltrate all branches of government.
Chapter 137 Status: Our only government contact is Morty’s alderman, to whom Morty wrote a letter about a pothole on the street outside the Community Center. The alderman’s office sent an automated reply. This has been classified as “Phase 1 of Government Infiltration” by a vote of 4–1 (Marv opposed). No Phase 2 has been proposed.
⛔ PROGRESS: 0% (PHASE 1 NOTWITHSTANDING)
Protocol 9: Re-Education
What It Says: That we should seize control of education systems to shape populations according to our design. That curricula should be rewritten to serve our objectives.
Chapter 137 Status: Diane is a retired school principal. She taught fourth grade for 31 years. Her curriculum focused on fractions, state capitals, and the responsible use of library cards. At no point did she attempt to reshape the youth according to the Protocols. She has, however, repeatedly attempted to educate Morty on proper meeting procedure. Results have been mixed.
⛔ PROGRESS: 0%
Protocol 10: Preparing for Power — Eliminating Constitutions
What It Says: That constitutional rights should be eliminated. That parliamentary power should be reduced to nothing. That the president or leader should have unlimited authority.
Chapter 137 Status: Our chapter bylaws guarantee all members the right to speak during the comment period, vote on all motions, and access the refreshment table. Morty once attempted to bypass the bylaws by declaring “executive session.” Diane informed him that executive session still requires a motion and a second. Sheldon seconded the motion to not have executive session. Constitutional governance remains intact.
⛔ PROGRESS: 0%
Protocol 11: The Totalitarian State
What It Says: That a total surveillance state should be established. That all freedoms should be eliminated in favor of absolute control.
Chapter 137 Status: Our surveillance apparatus consists of a Ring doorbell camera at the Community Center entrance, which is owned by the Community Center and not by us. Sheldon can sometimes see who arrives late on the Community Center’s Facebook page. This is the full extent of our surveillance capability. Total control remains aspirational.
⛔ PROGRESS: 0%
Protocol 12: Control of the Press
What It Says: That all media should be controlled through licensing, ownership, and government regulation. That newspapers should appear to have diverse opinions while actually serving our unified propaganda.
Chapter 137 Status: Our media empire consists of:
- A Facebook page with 11 followers (three are Sheldon’s family)
- An Instagram account that Sheldon’s nephew created and no one posts to
- A podcast that was attempted once but Morty could not figure out the microphone
- This website, which Sheldon maintains with help from his nephew
We do not control the press. We do not control social media. We cannot control the font size on this website. Sheldon’s nephew says it’s a “CSS issue.”
⛔ PROGRESS: 0%
Protocol 13: Distractions
What It Says: That populations should be distracted with entertainment, sports, and trivial pursuits to prevent them from noticing our control.
Chapter 137 Status: The only people we have successfully distracted are ourselves. Our meetings are regularly derailed by discussions of the thermostat, parking, Arlene’s rugelach, and whether Marv’s objections constitute valid points of order. We have not distracted a single member of the general public from anything. If anything, the public is entirely unaware of our existence, which is the opposite of what Protocol 13 intended.
⛔ PROGRESS: 0%
Protocol 14: Assault on Religion
What It Says: That all religions should be attacked and undermined to weaken moral authority and make populations pliable.
Chapter 137 Status: We are a Jewish fraternal organization. Several members are on the temple board. Morty sponsored the new Kiddush cups last Hanukkah. Diane runs the Purim carnival. Suggesting that we are assaulting religion is like suggesting that the PTA is assaulting education. We are the religion. We are assaulting nothing except Arlene’s feelings, and that was Marv’s fault.
⛔ PROGRESS: 0% · ALSO: NO
Protocol 15: Ruthless Suppression
What It Says: That opposition should be brutally and ruthlessly suppressed. That terror should be employed to maintain order.
Chapter 137 Status: The most ruthless act in our chapter’s history was when Diane canceled the December meeting due to weather. Three members complained. Morty sent a memo. Diane responded with a memo of her own. The matter was resolved at the January meeting. No terror was employed. Refreshments were served.
⛔ PROGRESS: 0%
Protocol 16: Brainwashing
What It Says: That psychological manipulation and conditioning should be used to control behavior and thought on a mass scale.
Chapter 137 Status: We cannot convince Marv to stop touching the thermostat. We have tried reasoning, voting, signage, and direct appeal. Marv continues to set it to 78. If we cannot psychologically condition one (1) member of our own organization regarding temperature preferences, we are not in a position to brainwash the general public.
⛔ PROGRESS: 0%
Protocol 17: Abuse of Authority
What It Says: That government authority should be exploited and abused to eliminate opposition and consolidate power.
Chapter 137 Status: The only authority in this organization is Morty, who is Grand Elder by virtue of being the only person who wanted the job. He abuses this authority primarily by extending meetings past 8:30 PM and by occasionally taking the last piece of kugel without offering it to the table. Formal complaints have been filed (by Arlene, regarding the kugel).
⛔ PROGRESS: 0%
Protocol 18: Arrest of Opponents
What It Says: That political opponents should be identified, arrested, and eliminated.
Chapter 137 Status: We do not have opponents. We have Marv, who opposes everything, but he is a dues-paying member in good standing. The only person who has been removed from a meeting is Barry, who fell asleep during the 2018 budget review and was gently escorted to the lobby couch by Diane. Barry later moved to Scottsdale. We did not arrest him.
⛔ PROGRESS: 0%
Protocol 19: Rulers and People
What It Says: That petitions from the public should be accepted but ignored. That dissent should be minimized and reclassified.
Chapter 137 Status: We receive approximately one (1) email per month, usually asking about space lasers. We respond to all inquiries. We do not ignore them. Morty personally replied to a letter from a concerned citizen who had found our website and wanted to know if we were “the real Illuminati.” Morty explained that we are not the Illuminati, that the Illuminati is a separate organization, and that our annual bake sale is open to the public. The concerned citizen did not reply.
⛔ PROGRESS: 0%
Protocol 20: Financial Program
What It Says: That we should seize control of state finances, taxation, and monetary policy.
Chapter 137 Status: We filed our Delaware C-Corp annual report late and incurred a $50 penalty. Herb was supposed to file it but was recovering from cataract surgery. Our understanding of state finance is limited to the observation that the $50 penalty seems excessive. We have not seized control of any state’s finances. We have not seized control of our own finances.
⛔ PROGRESS: 0%
Protocol 21: Loans and Credit
What It Says: That money markets should be abolished and replaced with government credit institutions under our control. That we should control all lending.
Chapter 137 Status: Morty has a Chase Sapphire Preferred card. He earns 2x points on dining. This is the closest any member has come to controlling a financial institution. The chapter itself does not issue loans, extend credit, or control any lending apparatus. Arlene once lent Sheldon $5 for parking. She has mentioned this four times.
⛔ PROGRESS: 0%
Protocol 22: Power of Gold
What It Says: That gold and financial wealth are the ultimate source of all power. That whoever controls the gold controls the world.
Chapter 137 Status: Our total gold holdings consist of Diane’s wedding ring, which is 14-karat, and the gold paint on our chapter seal, which is acrylic. Our treasury contains $412.38 in U.S. currency, stored in a Chase checking account. We are $14.2 trillion short of minimum viable world domination. At our current rate of bake sale revenue ($67.50/quarter), we will accumulate sufficient funds in approximately 52.6 billion years, which is roughly four times the current age of the universe.
⛔ PROGRESS: 0%
Protocol 23: Instilling Obedience
What It Says: That populations should be forced into blind obedience through a combination of cunning, deception, and brute force.
Chapter 137 Status: We cannot instill obedience in our own membership. Morty has asked members to arrive by 7:00 PM. Marv arrives at 7:14. Morty has asked members not to adjust the thermostat. Marv adjusts the thermostat. Morty has asked members to RSVP for the potluck. Three members have never RSVP’d. If we cannot instill obedience among five retirees who voluntarily attend monthly meetings, we are unlikely to achieve it on a global scale.
⛔ PROGRESS: 0%
Protocol 24: The King of the Jews
What It Says: That a single supreme ruler — the “King of the Jews” — will eventually be installed to govern the entire world as an absolute monarch, commanding the obedience of all nations and peoples.
Chapter 137 Status: We held an election. Morty ran unopposed. He received four votes (Diane, Sheldon, Arlene, and himself). Marv abstained. Morty is, technically, our king. His kingdom consists of Room B on Tuesday evenings, a filing cabinet, and a folding table. His subjects number five, one of whom is on medical leave and another of whom has never once obeyed a direct instruction regarding the thermostat.
All hail the king. He cannot figure out the projector.
⛔ PROGRESS: 0%
Overall Domination Status
| Category | Protocols | Status |
|---|---|---|
| Political Control | 1, 5, 8, 10, 11, 17, 18, 19 | ⛔ NOT STARTED |
| Economic Domination | 2, 3, 6, 20, 21, 22 | ⛔ NOT STARTED |
| Media Control | 12, 13 | ⛔ 11 FACEBOOK FOLLOWERS |
| Social Engineering | 4, 9, 14, 16, 23 | ⛔ NOT STARTED |
| Military/Force | 7, 15 | ⛔ NOT STARTED |
| Install Supreme Ruler | 24 | 👑 MORTY (DISPUTED) |
Estimated completion date: Revised annually. Currently projected for the year 4,000,000,000 CE, contingent on bake sale revenue growth, Herb’s recovery, and Marv’s cooperation (none of which are guaranteed).
A Note on Authenticity
The full text of the Protocols is available to all dues-paying members. Morty has the PDF somewhere. The binder — the official Chapter binder containing our annotated copy — was last seen in the filing cabinet behind the folding tables. Sheldon believes Morty took it home. Morty believes it is in the van. No one has checked the van.
It is worth noting that, in twenty-plus years of chapter operations, no officer has read the document in its entirety. Diane got through the first six Protocols before her eyes glazed over. Morty skimmed the table of contents and declared it “pretty comprehensive, all things considered.” Sheldon has the Wikipedia page bookmarked.
If any member wishes to obtain a personal copy for reference, consult a library, a reputable academic database, or the Holocaust Museum’s digital archive, all of which provide the document with appropriate historical framing. Do not purchase copies from certain online vendors who sell it without context. Morty made this mistake once and we do not wish to repeat it.
It has also come to the chapter’s attention that the Federal Bureau of Investigation maintains a 105-page file on this document. The Bureau’s assessment differs from our own in several respects. The chapter’s official response has been prepared and is available for review.
If you locate the binder, please return it to Sheldon.