The Elder Dispatch — Newsletter of the Elders of Zion | The Fraternal Order of the Elders of Zion

Days Since Last Successful Act of World Domination: 4,401 | Current Global Control Status: ASPIRATIONAL

★ REMINDER: Annual dues of $45 are past due for several members. Global domination cannot proceed until accounts are settled. See Herb. ★ POTLUCK SIGNUP for March meeting — Arlene is bringing kugel again so please coordinate ★ The Media Control Subcommittee regrets to announce that we have, once again, failed to control the media ★ PARKING NOTE: Do NOT park in the Elks Lodge spots. They are not part of the conspiracy and they will tow you. ★

The Elder Dispatch — Archive

The official newsletter of Local Chapter 137. "Aspiring to Global Domination Since Time Immemorial."

The Elder Dispatch — Vol. 1, Issue 2

March 24, 2026 · Vol. 1, Issue 2

Breaking: The FBI maintains a 105-page file on our founding document. Grand Elder Morty Feldstein is preparing a formal response. Toner situation developing.

The Elder Dispatch — Vol. 1, Issue 1

March 1, 2026 · Vol. 1, Issue 1

This week: Banking Subcommittee claims credit for the Fed, our Facebook page hits 14 followers, and Morty considers writing to a different alderman.

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