The Elder Dispatch — Vol. 1, Issue 1
Volume 1, Issue 1 — Official Newsletter of Local Chapter 137
"Aspiring to Global Domination Since Time Immemorial"
From the Desk of the Grand Elder
Fellow Elders and Aspiring Conspirators, it is with great pride and very little evidence of progress that I inaugurate the first issue of The Elder Dispatch, our chapter's official newsletter. As Grand Elder, it falls to me to report on our ongoing efforts toward the goals outlined in the Protocols. I will be brief, as there is nothing to report. Nevertheless, I remain optimistic. In Brotherhood and Aspiration, Grand Elder Morty Feldstein.
This Week in World Domination
The Federal Reserve held interest rates steady this week. The Banking Control Subcommittee, which was dissolved in January due to lack of participation, issued a statement claiming partial credit. 'We didn't not do this,' the statement read. The statement was written by Morty on his personal letterhead.
Sheldon's nephew reports three new followers this month. Two appear to be bots. The third is Diane's daughter, who says she followed 'by accident' and 'will unfollow when she remembers.' This represents a 27% growth rate, which Morty has classified as 'exponential.'
Following the success of Phase 1 (a letter about a pothole that received no response), Grand Elder Morty has proposed Phase 2: writing to a different alderman about a different pothole. Marv has already indicated he will oppose this motion.
Treasury Update
Current balance: $412.38
Subcommittee Spotlight: Weather Control
Diane reports the Costco weather station is functioning and currently reads 43°F. Weather remains uncontrolled. Diane maintains this is 'a process.' The Costco receipt has been submitted to Herb, who is on medical leave and cannot process it. The $49.99 expenditure remains in administrative limbo.
Bake Sale Corner (Arlene's Column)
Arlene reminds all members that the spring bake sale is scheduled for April. She will be bringing rugelach. She has adjusted the salt. She would like the record to reflect this. She would also like the record to reflect that she has not spoken to Marv since February and does not intend to.
Letters to the Elders
Dear Elders, I found your website while researching the New World Order. Are you the real Elders of Zion? Can I join your conspiracy? — Concerned in [Redacted]
Dear Concerned, We appreciate your interest. We are indeed the Elders of Zion, Local Chapter 137. Whether we constitute a “conspiracy” is a matter of some debate, as our most significant coordinated action this year was a bake sale that netted $67.50. You are welcome to apply for membership. Please bring something for the potluck. No store-bought hummus. — The Elders
Treasury Balance: $412.38