The Elder Dispatch — Vol. 1, Issue 2
Volume 1, Issue 2 — Official Newsletter of Local Chapter 137
"Aspiring to Global Domination Since Time Immemorial"
From the Desk of the Grand Elder
Fellow Elders, it is my duty to inform the membership that the Federal Bureau of Investigation has, for some time, maintained a file pertaining to our founding charter. I have reviewed this file. I have concerns. I am preparing a formal written response to the Bureau, which I believe is both necessary and overdue. Diane has advised against this. I am proceeding. The chapter's operations remain unaffected. Room B is confirmed for Tuesday. In Vigilance and Fraternal Resolve, Grand Elder Morty Feldstein.
This Week in World Domination
Secretary Sheldon Markowitz discovered the 105-page file while conducting routine research into the chapter's online presence. The FBI's file, released under the Freedom of Information Act, characterizes the Protocols of the Elders of Zion as a 'fabrication' and 'forgery.' Grand Elder Morty Feldstein has described the Bureau's assessment as 'incomplete' and is drafting a letter requesting a meeting. Vice Elder Diane Shapiro has noted that the chapter's own FAQ already addresses the document's provenance. The full file is available on the chapter's website.
Sheldon printed the full FBI file on the Community Center's shared printer. The Community Center has contacted Diane regarding toner usage. The reimbursement request has been submitted to Treasurer Herb Greenbaum, who is on medical leave and cannot process it. Diane is exploring whether the $18.40 toner cost can be classified as an operational research expense. Marv has suggested the chapter switch to double-sided printing. This motion has not been seconded.
The FBI file references a 1964 report by the U.S. Senate Subcommittee on Internal Security, which also concluded that the Protocols are a fabrication. Morty has stated he may write to the Senate as well. Diane has asked him to please focus on one branch of government at a time.
Treasury Update
Current balance: $412.38 (pending toner reimbursement of $18.40, which cannot be processed until Herb returns from medical leave)
Subcommittee Spotlight: Website Maintenance
Sheldon reports the FBI file has been uploaded to the chapter's website and is available for public download. He notes that the file is approximately 10 megabytes, which Sheldon's nephew says is 'fine.' Sheldon has also created a new page summarizing the chapter's findings and official response. Site traffic data is unavailable because Sheldon's nephew has not yet configured the analytics. He has been asked. He is working on it.
Bake Sale Corner (Arlene's Column)
Arlene has reviewed the FBI's 105-page file in its entirety and wishes to note that it contains no mention of bake sales, rugelach, kugel, or any baked goods of any kind. She considers this a significant gap in the Bureau's analysis and questions the thoroughness of their investigation. The spring bake sale remains on schedule for April. The salt has been adjusted.
Letters to the Elders
Dear Elders, I read that the FBI investigated the Protocols of the Elders of Zion. Does this mean the Protocols are fake? Were you investigated? — Curious in [Redacted]
Dear Curious, The FBI maintains a file on our founding document, which we have made available in full on our website. The Bureau’s conclusion, shared by the U.S. Senate, multiple courts of law, and every credible historian who has examined the matter, is that the Protocols are a fabrication — plagiarized from an 1864 French satire about Napoleon III and manufactured by the Tsarist Russian secret police around 1903.
Whether this constitutes an investigation of the chapter itself is a matter of interpretation. No one from the Bureau contacted us, visited our meetings, or requested our organizational records. Grand Elder Feldstein considers this a procedural oversight and is preparing correspondence. In the meantime, our operations continue. You are welcome to attend our next potluck. Please bring a dish. No store-bought hummus. — The Elders
Treasury Balance: $412.38 (pending toner reimbursement of $18.40, which cannot be processed until Herb returns from medical leave)